Almost a year ago, I started my Instagram account @ChronicAlli_ and launched my blog. At the time, I felt like I was living a double life. No one really knew the amount of pain and suffering I was experiencing. When I told people the response often, “I would never have known.” I enjoyed hearing that comment at first. As if I was doing the right thing by trying to hide my illness.
When the pandemic first hit in 2020 and California went on lockdown, there was a shift in my social media feed. People who posted pictures of their weekends and late nights with friends suddenly posted about banana bread and Tiger King. People posted how bored they were and how they just wanted to leave the house again. This time was difficult for many people, but for people with chronic illness, we’ve been in a personal quarantine for a while now.
It made me angry knowing when the pandemic came to an end (HA!), they would be back out having fun again while those of us with chronic conditions would be left behind and forgotten. I even wrote a piece about it for The Mighty. During this time, I decided that I refuse to continue hiding my illness.
It took me a while, but in late January 2021, I made my blog live and my Instagram active. I was terrified.
Will people think I’m attention-seeking? Is my chronic illness not serious enough? Do most people still think my condition is fake?
At first, my Instagram felt like an alter ego. A person who openly, honestly, and confidently talked about her illness and all the struggles that came with it. On the inside, I felt the exact opposite. I was exhausted, frustrated, and grieving for my past life. I wasn’t handling my illness by any means, but you know what they say, “fake it till you make it.”
I never expected that starting a chronic illness Instagram account would help teach me how to live with my fibromyalgia. But, over time, I began to feel more comfortable in my own skin. There was freedom and peace that came with no longer hiding my illness. I had found a part of myself that I didn’t even know existed!
Slowly but surely, I started to accept my illness. Through my fellow spoonies, I started learning new coping strategies, finding inspiration in how they lived, and started adapting it into my own life. But, do I still struggle with my illness? Of course, I know those negative feelings will never go away, but instead of being ever-present, they now ebb and flow.
When I scroll through my personal Instagram and start to feel bad about what everyone is out doing or things they are accomplishing, I switch to my chronic Instagram. Suddenly, I no longer feel alone in my illness and know there are thousands of people just like me.
I find peace in knowing I am not alone and have a space where I can live authentically!
